||[Aug. 26th, 2004|03:24 pm]
Deranged minds connecting
This thing is beginning to look all sad and not-updated. Poor thing.
So, ahem. Snippet. Yes, it's always snippets. Shut up, you!
It’s done now.
It’s over. I have my revenge, in a far more complete way than any I could have imagined.
I wonder if he knows how long I spent trying to figure out the perfect punishment. I wonder if he ever appreciated it. I wonder, and wonder, though I know the truth.
Pain, I considered. Physical pain. Oh, it would hurt, hurt badly, but he’d walk away from it none the worse for wear. He’d probably take it as his due; Evarian is like that. I did what I wanted to, and I paid for it, he’d have said. I would never have been content with that.
Scars and pain fades, but emotional scarring is forever. I wanted that. I wanted to make him hurt the way I hurt when I finally realized what he’d done.
The how eluded me.
I discussed it with my friend, once or twice, but she couldn’t really add anything besides what I’d already figured out, for all her dislike and contempt. The two of them have never gotten along, they never will either. It’s just one of the few things you can be sure of.
No, I had to do this alone. The planning would be mine, though I never doubted that she’d help me when the moment finally came. And she did, as friends does, as best friends do without hesitation. No doubt she didn’t mind getting some of her own back. He did this to both of us, regardless of her being an afterthought.
I had never dreamed that such a perfect occasion would present itself.
If I had believed in gods, I might have thought this to be a sort of...chance to even the scores. Since I don’t, I have the faint suspicion that someone who does – say, Amrun? Lorion? – asked them to do me a bit of a favor. Unlikely, but who knows. It certainly did seem a bit too good to be true.
Perhaps it was a test. Maybe I was supposed to forgive and forget and walk away. Maybe. I’ve never been very good at that. Something for something and nothing for nothing.
I wonder, too, if it was my imagination that he understood it when I smiled at him, just before I struck. Probably not. Evarian isn’t stupid, though sometimes he seems that way. Just the stubbornness, of course.
I think to myself, it’s done. You got what you wanted.
And I also think that it’s not just this that’s done now. It’s everything. No more him putting his cloak over me if it’s cold, or rainy, or if I’m going to sleep. No more putting on a nightrobe and pestering him at night when I can’t sleep. No more joking about my blushes, and no more level looks whenever he starts talking about honor.
I don’t miss it, exactly. I’ve been away for long enough to have gotten over that. It’s just all these pestering memories, you know? All of those little moments that made me think that maybe Elves weren’t so bad at all.
Those are all coming back now, for some odd reason more insistently than the ones of pretty things with hearts of ice and eyes of stone. My mind playing tricks, of course. I don’t want to stop this, and I couldn’t even if I had wanted to. It’s much too late. It’s been too late since I caught sight of him. It’s been too late for a long time.
He said, I suppose I deserved that.
Yes, I suppose you did.
Comments? No? Fine. Be that way. *sniff*